For the past few days, I have been having a very emotional time. God has been teaching me what it means to be intimate with him. It all started when I went with my best friend to visit her boyfriend at the camp where her boyfriend works. We got hungry so we went to the store to buy cake and watch Gilmore girls when we got back. We lugged two couches into the main room and set up the laptop. He put her arm around her, and she leaned in. It was touching to see how much they loved each other.
Sitting there, I began to feel upset, because my boyfriend can’t put his arm around me. He lives thousand and thousands of miles away from me. I shifted myself on the couch and put my knees up, wishing that I could be close to my boyfriend just like they were. And then, all of a sudden, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He told me, “Why don’t you have intimacy with me right now?”
So I stopped what I was thinking and I laid down my emotions before God and came to him with all the longing I had to be intimate. For the next few moments, we existed together in the small space in my heart. I felt warm and comforted. The Holy Spirit put his arms around me and held me just like a boyfriend would. God loves me, and he wanted to be close to me. If couples can have close moments with each other, why can’t we have sacred beautiful moments with the Holy Spirit?
I sat there enjoying his presence when he gave me a vision. He was nailed to the cross and the cross was laying down on the ground. Christ was broken and beaten. He could barely breath. His bare body was covered in burses and blood painted on him violently. I started to tremble seeing him like that. He had moments to live. I bent down shaking and crying, “Lord! I did this to you! Because of my sin, you’re dying in front of me!”
With the last amount of energy he had in him, he turned his head towards me with nothing but warmth coming from his face. He smiled at me and replied in a loving tone, “This is what love is.”
Then God told me that he was going to teach me a kind of love that only comes from heaven. This kind of love is what I’m supposed to give to my boyfriend when the time comes. I don’t quite understand it yet, but all I know is that this kind of love can’t be explained with English words. So I will not be saying “I love you” in English, because that can’t get across the way I feel. I’m going to say it in Japanese. And yet still, that will not be able to express the kind of love that God is teaching me. No words can.
We didn’t get home from the camp until three in the morning. I had classes the next day. I only got four hours of sleep. The next day I was emotionally unfiltered and spiritually high.
I sat down with my friend who I had gone to camp with the night before and she explained something to me. When a person fasts, they are deliberately depriving themselves of something they need. This creates a desire in them that can be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is how you create deep intimacy with the Holy Spirit. If you are fulfilled, then you do not long for God. But when you are in want, you are opening up a door for Christ to come in and be apart of your soul in a way you’ve never know before. In my relationship, it’s like I’m fasting. I have no physical connection with my boyfriend. In fact, I have never touched him before. Our friendship is only through video calls. When I’m home from college, we live six hours apart from one another. During the summer we had to video call at 2 my time, and 8 his time! I have a desire in my heart for him to hold my hand, and put his arm around me, but that is not being met. There is something missing that I crave. So the Holy Spirit came along and said, “I can fill this desire in you.” Because I am longing for a intimate relationship with my boyfriend, I can have a deeper relationship with my God as he meets my needs. So it really is a blessing that I am apart from him because I am learning so much about intimacy with the holy spirit while I wait for the day I can hug my boyfriend for the first time.
After I had that talk with my best friend, I went to chapel. It was a special chapel where we just worshiped. One of the worship leaders played the ukulele to the song “How He Loves” by the David Crowder Band. That was special to me, being from Hawaii and all. This is one of my favorite songs. The last time I heard it I was crying because I had to say goodbye to my mom as she dropped me off at college. This song holds a special place in my heart, and I remember thinking during this song, “God what are you going to do?”
I had a second vision. It was the same as the last, Christ on the cross laying on the ground, beaten and bloody. I knelt down crying for I am the reason Christ suffered. My sin causes this. As I was trembling, Christ took his hand and wiped some of the blood from his chest on my wrist and arm, where I used to cut myself. He looked me in the eyes and said, “This is the only blood I ever want to see on your body.”
And I nodded. Christ doesn’t want to see me hurt myself like that anymore because he loves me. He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weigh of his love and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me…. How he loves us….
That night, I dreamt that I had started cutting myself again. I woke up shaking and feeling sick. I pulled out my phone and my boyfriend had messaged me. I texted him and told him what had happened. He talked me through it reminding me about the vision I had where Jesus told me not to do that anymore. I realized that Satan was trying to get to me and make me want to fall back into that again. Exhausted because I hadn’t gotten enough sleep from “spiritually cuddling” with the holy spirit the night before, I went back to sleep. I had another dream where I again had started cutting myself. I was so sure that it was real and that my boyfriend was wrong that in my dream I went into the bathroom to take pictures of the cuts on me to prove to my boyfriend that I had sinned again. Then I woke up and realized that it was a dream. But I still checked myself to make sure that I hadn’t actually done it because I was so scared that I had.
The rest of the day I encountered more spiritual battles. Satan would whisper to me, “I know your weaknesses.” He knows that I struggled with cutting and he was going to use that against me. I stood in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirrior listening to Saten whisper these lies into my head. I yelled back at him, “Yes, but I know your greatest weakness too! And it’s Jesus!”
Then, the song my King and Country came on. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I listened to the words:
Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall, telling those lies, pointing out your flaws, that isn’t who you are. There’s more to who you are.
“That’s right Satan!” I yelled looking at him in the mirror. “This isn’t who I am. I am not my cutting.”
It might be hard to hear, but let me tell you dear, if you could see what I can see I know you would believe, that isn’t who you are, there’s more to who you are…
And then God spoke to my heart…
I see you dressed in white, every wrong made right, I see a rose in bloom, at the sight of you. Oh so priceless.
I am priceless. Jesus bough me with his blood. I don’t need to make myself bleed. I can’t save myself.
Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable darling it’s beautiful. I see it all in you. Oh so priceless.
The song finished and I ran to my room and wrote these lyrics on the front of my journal. God has a plan for my life. One day, I will get to hug my boyfriend and he will put his arm around me. But right now, I’m standing dressed in white, on the water in the presence of God. I’m dancing on the water with Jesus learning the kind of love that only comes from heaven.
God wants to be intimate with you. He wants to hold you in his arms. You just have to ask him to.
I am happy. I am content. I am paid for. I am priceless. And so are you.