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I was a child like Hinata. I was quiet and shy. I didn’t make friends with the other girls very well. I played with the boys and the snails that ate the flowers outside. I wasn’t particularly skilled at the things others were like academics, what I was really good at was crying and feeling deep emotion. I grew up feeling like I needed to impress people but I was at a great disadvantage. I have the kind of personality that seams to make mistakes and sin then all the rest of them.

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I’m Mikado. I’ve moved across the country five times in my life. I lived in a new place during the most important parts of social development. I didn’t fully understand the customs of where I lived. (I got bullied for acting Hawaiian in the South) I’m awkward and I seam to do things wrong like accidently create gangs, except it’s more like I say weird things and twitch. Maybe if I made a gang, I could have some sort of secret power that would prove I’m not as helpless as I feel.

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I’m Naruto. I could never make a real friend. Every time I found someone who I liked, and was willing to go deep with me, they turned around and backstab me, never speaking to me again. Girls were mean, especially at church. The church was my own village. My father, was the leader of that village, represented by the cross on top of the church like the hokage faces. My father died for me out of love, but I didn’t feel loved because of the way I was treated. I decided that I had the worst personality in the world. Loud, obnoxious, and the type of person who does the opposite of everyone else just to get attention and be different. It was my curse, a part of myself that kept me from being loved by my own village. The girls at church were the perfect kind, the ones who sit quietly journaling and drawing pretty pictures and talking about their favorite coffee. I wanted to talk about how King David cut that Nephilim’s head off, and all that cool prophecy. Couldn’t they see my heart and my love for our father being just as strong as theirs? What did I do to get treated like this? Maybe they really were afraid of what lived inside of me…

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This is what it feels like to have Lyme disease

I’m Kaori. Something was wrong inside of me, but the more I ignored it, the worse it got. I lost my mind senior year of high school and fell into deep depression and anxiety. I grew up being told that I couldn’t do things other kids could do because I was sick, and I was so tired of it. Since the fifth grade, I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, but what happened my last year of high school was a new level that scared me to the core of who I was. My identity was a girl who was sick and tried to hide it the best she could from the rest of the world.

I would sit in a dark room and lay on the floor for hours not moving because I was so depressed and hopeless. I began to have urges to harm myself with sharp objects.I had been rejected so much, and I just wanted to make friends that wouldn’t leave me. There were some very important people that entered my life and transformed it. They made life alive again. I was happy being around them. They healed me. But no matter how nice they were to me, I still was sick.

The thing about chronic Lyme disease is that it can’t kill you, but it makes life a lot different from other peoples. My main symptoms were anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, but I have other symptoms such as fatigue, sleep impairment, joint pain (caused me to quit my dream of becoming an elite gymnast) muscle aches/spasms, cognitive impairment, headaches, the over all “I feel sick” feeling (especially when it’s a full moon, I know, it’s weird) and more. I was on meds for years, but my body couldn’t handle them, so I just have to live with it. I know I can live a full life, but it’s just going to be a little bit more difficult then it might be for a person without a chronic illness. I have many triggers that send me into depression and anxiety attacks, so I am constantly looking out for things that could cause me into an episode. Maybe my friends left me because I needed to talk about how painful Lyme disease can be. I need a purpose.

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This is my personality!

I’m Mashiro, a boy with a dream. I worker hard, for years, dedicating me very being to this goal. It all started in fourth grade when I decided what my purpose was. I entered a writing competition knowing that I would win because I put the most love into my work then anyone else. But that story was just a pile of emotions that didn’t know how to be arranged. I did not even make it past the preliminary into the real competition. It hurt little fourth grade me very much. But with that I made a vow. I vowed I would spend the rest of my life becoming the best writer I could be. “Or I’m not a real man!” Well, at least that’s what Mashiro said.

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I’m Obito. I never seam to be good enough for the one I like. I’m awkward, loud, and passionate about becoming the best writer ever. I swear I’ll be great as Obito swears he’ll gain his sharingon. I sort of try to make a move on this guy, he’s a nerd, he loved Jesus, he’s perfect, but he’s interested in the quiet girl, the one person in the whole school who is the complete opposite of me! I could never be loved the way I longed. I prayed for years during Christmas time especially, that God would give me someone to love. I also prayed for the man that was supposed to become my husband in the future. But as I aged, I became more and more independent because my disease taught me to take care of myself. To me relying on others made me weak. I wanted to the the one to protect Rin and Kakashi no matter what. But in the end, I was the one who fell under the rock laying in a pool of blood. I didn’t ever really have my life together.

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I’m Asuna. Anime has started to change my worldview ever since I started watching junior year of high school. Anime was my very own world where I can be whoever I want… no judgment from church girls, boys, it’s just me having fun on the internet and my blog. Then I meet this weirdo who commented on my blog on February 2nd. We start talking over a group chat. We start video calling with other friends, we start dating… WOAH that escalated quickly. I made friends online, real friends who are the kind of people you’d invite to your baptism, and the baptism of your child. God used the internet to introduce me to the college I attend now, and through that, I made friends who help me heal.

I realized that people online are just as real as people face to face. They feel real hurt, and they can receive real hurt from others. That’s why I want to change it around and make the internet a place of encouragement. I want to love people using the one thing Asuna, and many conservative Christians thought was a hell. Now, my friends and I in this virtual world fight evil and love the other gamers in the world. Our hope is that one day they can escape the virtual reality of sin and find the real world of Jesus’ love.

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But in the end, I’m Kenshin Himura. I’ve killed the one person that means more to me then anyone else. My spiritual spouse, Jesus. Because of my sin,  because of living my life insecure of who he made me to be, because I hated the hearts of other girls at church,  because I refused the help of the Holy Spirit during sick days, and many other sins, I’ve killed the Lord. There is so much blood on my hands as I breath heavy realizing what I’ve done, the weight of what I’ve done. My whole life amounted to getting God killed. Is that all I’m good for? I’m an assassin, for my sins have killed God. There should be no forgiveness for that. So why am I here?

Grace.

When I slow down, I realize that Christ died because he loved me. I got something that I sure didn’t deserve. No matter what the other people at church say about me, I am saved because of his death. No matter how sick I feel, I am still his. My life is in his hands now, and nothing can take me away from his love.

“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” John 10:28

The best part is, husbando has been raised from the dead! He lives and breathes! He’s in the air next to me. He’s sitting with me while I sleep. He loves me deeper then humans are capable of loving.

“Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.”

Psalm 139:7-10

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My daddy tells me he loves me.

Now my life has glorious purpose and meaning. I am happy to be alive. Jesus tells me that he made my personality the way he wanted it.

“For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139:13-16

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My dreams will come true!

He gave me the gift of writing so that I could serve him and love people. This fulfills my being and I am satisfied with my life even thought I am young.

“God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.” 1 Peter 4:10

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I dream to handle sickness the way Kaori does.

My sickness only makes me stronger. I know what it means to rely on the Lord, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world. I get to BOAST about my sickness!

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

 

In the end, It is well with my soul.

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