Interesting post name right? You’ll see.
There is a Naruto ending song that I identify very much with. It’s ending number 20, called, “By My Side” by Hemenway. One section of the choirs can translate as, “My heart is screaming to be set free”. Or “The tears of your heart want to escape now”.
This sense of escape was a theme in my life for a long time. A lot of me wanted to escape myself because I was trapped inside my own head, a glass case.
“By My Side” by Hemenway
I will also continue to look for an answer
It’s about time I become and adult
But I can’t stop shaking
The tears of your heart want to escape now
By my side… by my side….
If there was a scenery where you could find the other side of your eyes
I would hold on to it to make sure…
…we can get away from the world and even from your tears
and even when I wouldn’t release your hands
That’s why right now
I need you here right by my side
By my side…
This is the fifth week since God took my depression away. I’m working at a summer camp with wonderful kids and my very best friends. When I run through the camp, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, I feel alive again. I haven’t felt this for two years. I look back on what that depression was like for me. It was bondage. It was like living in a glass case.
I explain to my friends, that coming out of a severe long term depression is like coming out of a glass coffin. You can still see and do normal things in the coffin, but everything is just more fuzzy and complicated, and ten times harder. Then, when you come out of the glass coffin, you don’t know what to do with your life because all you’ve ever known was the glass coffin. The world suddenly has color again. There is meaning to existence. I want to be alive. And all this because my brain wasn’t making enough of the right chemical. How small those chemicals are in my brain, but for so long they have taken my life away.
A lot of me thought that dating my ex boyfriend would somehow “fix” my depression. There is only so much a person can do to help, and there are limits. No matter how much my heart screams out to escape the glass coffin, God is the only one who can lift the lid.
Like Sasuke, I feel that my heart is screaming. I am the paradox where I feel trapped in my own mind, yet no one can handle me because I am too much. My friend the last night was joking with me, “You can’t handle the (incert my real name)!” he yelled at my church. Sasuke lives in a dark world where his ears are pounding with the sound of his own heart beating. He can’t escape his longing for revenge. I too struggle with revenge and wanting to smack my ex in the face for things he’s said to me. (I know that’s not godly, I do.) Sasuke and I want to protect what is true and good, even if we have to use backwards ways to do it. The difference between Sasuke and I is that I have the holy spirit to tell me not to do what I want to do.
When my boyfriend and I were breaking up, he told me that I wasn’t relying on the Lord for my depression enough. He explained how his small group leader had depression and was still able to function and he expected to see the same from me. Obviously he doesn’t know anything about depression and one day I hope he learns how hurtful his words are so that he doesn’t hurt anyone like that again.
Right now I am reading a book called, “Quality friendship” by Gary Inrig. It’s a book from the bookshelf at camp. In the book, the author talks a lot about David and Jonathan’s relationship. That is the ultimate bro-mance to me, but also the relationship I strive to have with my close friends. Something that comes to mind is the verse…
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
These are the qualities my friends showed me when my heart was screaming to escape. These are the ingredients Naruto used to lure Sasuke out of his dark pit.
Love is patient. Naruto waited his whole childhood for Sasuke to come back. My friends waited for God to heal me and they never pushed me away.
Love is kind. Naruto poured countless hours of emotional energy into saving Sasuke. My friends spoke softly to me.
Love does not dishonor others. Naruto knew how important honor was to Sasuke. He craved so deeply to bring back honor to his family, and then later on, his brother’s name. Naruto let him keep this mission, but tried to encourage him to do it in a healthy way. My friends never took my humanity away from me. I was never my depression in their eyes.
Love is not self seeking. What would Naruto gain from a person who mostly hates him? My friends gained nothing from me being their friend. But they were friends because it’s the right thing to do.
Love always protects. Naruto knew he didn’t need to physically protect Sasuke, but he needed to emotionally protect him from himself. My friends prayed over me like no one’s business. There ain’t no protection like that.
Two days after I broke up with my boyfriend, God took my depression away. God told me, “if he can’t handle you when you are sick, he sure doesn’t deserve you when you are well.” Now my three closest friends and getting to meet a new version of me, a woman I haven’t seen for two years, and it’s really scary to watch myself become who god created me to be.
I want every girl to know, that depression doesn’t make you weak. Falling short of the friendship line does not make you a bad friend. True friendship is when people never give up on you. God never gives up on us. Find friends who understand that. Fall in love with someone who wants to protect the truth. Dance with someone who can keep up with your smile.
Find Naruto, someone who will prove to you what God designed love to be.
“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.” Philippians 1:3